You can see that something is wrong. Your partner has been withdrawing. Your adult child doesn’t sound like themselves on the phone. Your best friend has been cancelling plans for weeks. Your parent seems flatter, quieter, less present than they used to be.
You want to help. But you’re not sure what to say. You’re afraid of making it worse. You’re wondering if it’s your place to bring it up at all.
This post is for you. Not the person struggling, but the person standing beside them, trying to figure out what “being there” actually looks like in practice.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and this year’s theme, “More Good Days, Together,” is a reminder that mental health isn’t a solo journey. The people around someone who’s struggling play a real role in their path forward. Not as therapists, not as fixers, but as humans who care and want to show up well.
What Not to Do (and Why We All Do It)
Before we talk about what helps, it’s worth naming some of the things that don’t, because they come from a place of genuine love, and you might be doing them without realizing it.
Trying to fix it. When someone you love is hurting, the instinct to solve the problem is overwhelming. You want to offer solutions: have you tried exercise, have you thought about changing jobs, what if you just… The intention is kind. But for someone struggling with their mental health, unsolicited advice often lands as “you should be able to handle this, and here’s how.” It reinforces the shame they already feel.
Minimizing it. “Everyone goes through tough times.” “At least you have your health.” “It could be worse.” These statements are technically true and emotionally devastating. They communicate that the person’s pain isn’t significant enough to warrant the response they’re having. Even when that’s not what you mean.
Making it about you. “I’m so worried about you” can quickly become a dynamic where the person struggling has to manage your feelings about their struggle. They start hiding how they feel, not because they’re getting better, but because your worry has become another burden they carry.
Pushing too hard. Demanding that someone talk, see a therapist, or explain what’s wrong before they’re ready can backfire. It creates pressure that makes them retreat further. The timing has to be theirs.
None of these responses make you a bad person. They make you a human who loves someone and doesn’t have the manual. That’s okay. Let’s build one.
What Actually Helps
Be present without an agenda. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply be there. Not with advice, not with solutions, not with a pep talk. Just with your presence. Sit with them. Watch a show. Go for a drive. Let the silence be comfortable. The message you’re sending is: “You don’t have to perform for me. You don’t have to be okay right now. I’m here either way.”
Name what you see, gently. Instead of asking “what’s wrong?” (which puts the burden of explanation on them), try naming what you’ve observed. “I’ve noticed you seem a bit quieter lately. I just want you to know I’m here if you ever want to talk.” This approach is less intrusive and gives them an opening without demanding they walk through it.
Listen without rushing to respond. If they do open up, resist the urge to immediately relate, redirect, or reassure. Let them talk. Let there be pauses. Reflect back what you hear: “It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot.” Sometimes being heard is more healing than any advice you could give.
Educate yourself. If someone you love is dealing with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or another mental health challenge, learning about what they’re experiencing can change everything. It helps you understand that their behaviour isn’t about you. It helps you recognize patterns. And it shows them that you care enough to try to understand their world.
Maintain the relationship. One of the hardest parts of supporting someone who’s struggling is that they might pull away. They might stop answering texts, decline invitations, or seem distant even when they’re physically present. Keep showing up. Keep inviting them. Keep texting, even if they don’t respond. Let them know the door is open. Many people who’ve come through difficult periods say the people who quietly kept showing up, without pressure, made the biggest difference.
How to Suggest Therapy (Without It Feeling Like an Ultimatum)
This is the question people ask most often: “How do I get someone to go to therapy?”
The honest answer is: you can’t. You can create the conditions for them to consider it, but the decision has to be theirs.
Here are some approaches that tend to work better than “you need to see someone.”
Normalize it from your own experience. If you’ve been to therapy, share that. “I saw a therapist a few years ago and it really helped me with [specific thing].” This removes the stigma and makes therapy feel like a normal tool, not a sign of failure.
Frame it as strength. “I think it takes a lot of courage to talk to someone. And I think you deserve that kind of support.” This reframes therapy from a last resort to an act of self-respect.
Make it easy. If they seem open to it, offer to help with the logistics. “I can look up a few options if that would help.” Removing the practical barriers (finding a therapist, figuring out how booking works, understanding what the first session is like) can make the difference between “I should probably do that” and actually doing it.
Respect their timing. If they say they’re not ready, let it go for now. Don’t bring it up every week. Trust that the seed has been planted and circle back gently if and when the topic comes up naturally again.
At InnerSight Psychotherapy, we offer a free 20-minute consultation specifically to lower the barrier. The person doesn’t have to commit to anything. They can ask questions, get a sense of how it works, and decide from there. That’s a much easier sell than “book a therapy appointment.”
When It’s Affecting Your Relationship
Sometimes the impact of a loved one’s mental health challenges on your relationship becomes its own issue. You’re walking on eggshells. You feel helpless. You’re exhausted from carrying more than your share. You love them, but you’re also resentful, and then you feel guilty about the resentment.
This is normal, and it doesn’t make you selfish. Compassion fatigue is real, and it affects partners, parents, siblings, and close friends.
A few things to keep in mind.
You cannot pour from an empty cup. Taking care of your own mental health isn’t a betrayal of the person you’re supporting. It’s a necessity. Consider therapy for yourself, not as a way to “fix” them, but as a way to process your own feelings and build sustainable strategies for being present.
Boundaries are not abandonment. You can love someone deeply and still set limits on what you’re able to absorb. “I care about you and I also need to protect my own well-being” are not contradictory statements.
If the dynamic is straining your relationship, couples therapy or family therapy can help both of you navigate it together. You don’t have to be in crisis to benefit from professional support. Sometimes it’s about learning to communicate through a difficult season without losing each other in the process.
You Can’t Save Them. But You Can Walk Beside Them.
The hardest part of loving someone who’s struggling is accepting that you can’t do it for them. You can’t think them out of depression. You can’t organize them out of ADHD. You can’t reassure them out of anxiety that keeps them up at night. You can’t fast-forward them through a life transition they need to walk through at their own pace.
What you can do is stay. Stay present, stay patient, stay honest, and take care of yourself while you do it. That’s not a small thing. For someone in the middle of a difficult period, having even one person who shows up consistently, without judgment, without an agenda, is often what makes the difference between isolation and hope.
You Deserve Support Too
If supporting a loved one has taken a toll on your own well-being, please know that seeking help for yourself is not only okay, it’s important. You don’t need to be the one in crisis to benefit from therapy.
At InnerSight Psychotherapy, we work with individuals, couples, and families across Vaughan, Woodbridge, Barrie, and all of Ontario (via online sessions). Our team of 25+ therapists means we can match you with someone who understands your specific situation.
Book your free consultation or call (905) 553-9507.
More good days are possible, together. Believe in better.